Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Time To Chile Out?

I've simply had a change of heart.

You may know me me from such jobs as Secretary of Defense, private sector bigwig at Halliburton, Vice President of the United States, and Special Assistant to the Prince of Darkness, but I'm really a regular guy.

Hi. My name is Richard Bruce Cheney, but you can call me Dick. Most people do.

You may also be aware that I have a long history of cardiovascular disease, going way back to 1978, when I was only 37. That was when I had my first heart attack, and since then I've had four more, which is surprising because I was born without any heart whatsoever.

But now I'm in the clear. I'm proud to say that within my chest there is now beating the heart of an "anonymous donor". That's how I like to put it. Anyway, the donor is completely off the records now and I intend to keep it that way.

My doctor says with this new heart it's reasonable for a man like me to live another 10 years. Personally speaking, as long as I have an actual beating heart, regardless of where it came from, I really don't care about the rest.

Things are great thanks to my publicly-funded health care, which I get because of my public pension, which I have because of the generosity of the American people, who could be some of the world's truly great serfs if we can only unleash their potential.

And that's my goal now.

While in the hospital I had lots of time to study the history of Latin America. It's fascinating, especially countries like Chile. Did you know that, beginning in 1973, General Augusto Pinochet took power and wielded it for 17 years? This was a time when neoliberal policies were given a real shot at succeeding.

Now, "neoliberal" sounds all socialist and full of that touchy-feely crap, but what it really means is that everything goes. Total freedom. A market-driven economy able to run unattended, guided only by the loving invisible hand of a military dictatorship.

This is what I will devote the rest of my life to achieving. Right here in the good old U.S. of A.

Because, you see, the experiment in Chile ultimately failed. And what could you expect? Chileans are only Latin Americans. And we are actual Americans. The real ones. We can get this done right.

Now that I have a heart, and human blood pumping through me, I feel more strongly than ever that I can finally kick some real butt around here and whip this country into the kind of shape it should have.

So, are you with me? Or will we have to come for you?


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