Para-Whacko Tink Thank

Hi, folks.

My name is Loron Wight and I'm a blob of spiritual energy just like you. Of course these days I'm getting a little older, and a little closer every day to blob and a little farther away from the ideals of spiritual and being energetic, but let's not dwell on the obvious, or the measurable, or the provable.

Reality, you know — reality can get tedious, which is why I've formed a group. Nice word that. Group.

Did you know that group was originally an art criticism term meaning "an assemblage of figures or objects forming a harmonious whole in a painting or design"? Pretty fancy, right?

But dig a little deeper and you find that it originally had a Proto-Germanic origin. Specifically kruppaz, meaning a "round mass or lump". When you think of it that way you start getting a warm feeling all over, even running down your legs and into your socks at times.

Count on the Germans whenever you need a round mass or soft, runny lump of something. They've always got a good word handy for any possible distortion of time or space. Ever had German food? Then you know what to call it.

But so. Right now? Let's talk.

I need to fill my tank. I'm starting to run dangerously low on that spiritual energy I think, so what could be better than getting together and having our own Parapsycological Think Tank to give us all a good goose? Sounds impressive, right? I like impressive-sounding stuff. Stuff that has that ring. I like saying stuff too. Stuff and such. Stuffing. Packing it away. Which reminds me that it's time I should be getting hungry again, so I may have to duck and run. I hate missing my lunch. Which is why I usually have three a day. Got to keep the old tank full. Tank.

Another reminder about those ever-useful Germans again.

But food isn't everything. Or tanks. Almost but not quite.

There's more to life than eating and excreting and blowing things up, hard as that may be to grasp, and I do dearly love my bacteria — all those lovely intestinal flora (plus the occasional wiggly fauna specimens that show up — possibly due to my all-raw-food diet).

So what are you curious about, me? Something else?

We got your meditations, your out-of-body experiences, your reincarnation, your pyramids (whether or not you got any grain to store — wink-wink), your energy healing, your channeling, your dowsing, your spirit guides, angels, talking with animals, and that reliable old chestnut, astrology. Take your pick — I'm up for any and all of it, as long as it's part of the One Tru Way™.

And since this is Cuenca, which is in Ecuador, which is part of Latin America for crissakes it's all exotic and sorta wild westy and all that, we got plenty more to choose from, like where to buy coffee. Ever try to find ground coffee around here? Pretty scarce. I think there's a conspiracy. Let's talk about it. Maybe there's somebody with UFO evidence that would explain why I can't find any decent coffee here. I know it's out there.

Plus all kinds of other stuff.

• How to cross the street — it's crazee here!
• How to store your spirit energy (I can't find any damn ziplock bags — anywhere).
• How to befriend and control flies.
• Defeat loneliness by having more friends (some friends, at least one friend, etc.)
• Get bread to rise and bake itself via spiritual input alone.
• Win the lottery.
• Get shoes repaired.
• Levitate navel lint.
• Turn demons into household help (save money — it's like having a free maid who works like hell).
• Lose weight while eating.
• Find a decent masseuse who can handle ectoplasm without tearing it for under $5.
• Find a responsible ectoplasm walker (where, oh where).
• Dog psychotherapists? Anywhere? (Haven't found one yet.)
• Communicate with your gut bacteria via feces talks.

I'm up for anything. Professionals invited.

Post Script...

I myself have over 70 genuine degrees from prestigious institutions around the world. All printed on real Naugahyde.

Like (to name only a few):

• Academy of Natural Therapies, formerly in Hawaii until closed by court order.
• Bircham International University a.k.a. Oxford International University of Pipewrench, Ohio.
• Eastern Caribbean University of St. Kitts, Semi-Virgin Islands.
• Geo-Metaphysical Institute of New York, New York (New York).
• Mahila Gram Vidyapith of Prayag, Allahabad, India &/or Pakkestan.
• Patriot Bible University and Gun Shop of the Internet. Nan Pandle, Okieland.
• Pebbles University of Somewhere, Nigeria.
• Si Tanka University of Eagle Butt, New Mexico.
• Trafalgar Distance Learning Institute of Red Deer, Alberta.
• University of Bums on Seats. Pascagoula, Mississippi.
• Valley University. Hilltop, Nova Scotia.
• Wisconsin International University of Florida, Ghana.
• Yorker International University of Italy, South Dakota.

Or contact me directly at: Da Man!

Cracker Dance

Nibble your way to enlightenment while moving to the music.

We have them all here: whole wheat (trigo integral), barley (cebada), oats (aveena), quinoa (trendy bits). Take your pick. Nibble away. Become all you can be. Join the Enlightenment Force. Sing and dance your way to happiness while enjoying healthy snacks.

Your Heavenly Facilitator this week (fresh in from St Tropez) will be Carla Venn Diagram, famous graphic artist, stylist, fashion statement, and Spiritual Guru ™, still almost warm from the sunny shores of that fabled little French village that has so much to teach us, the place where Carla VD as she likes to be known recently participated in celebrating the life of the town's patron saint, Torpe de Pizza, well known to the history books for his mozzarella breath and propensity to harvest intense sunburns while sleeping off lunch during long afternoon naps on the beach.

Which you can also do in Cuenca, but not this weekend, because this weekend, (This one only!) we're welcoming Dr. Carla VD and her famous instructional hand puppets to show us the way to enlightenment without any B.S. or need to suspend any disbelief whatsoever.

Yes, folks, it's Carla Venn Diagram: MSW, MFA, Ph.D., Transpersonal, body-centered psycho-spiritual therapist, registered expressive arts therapist, visual artist, dance and improv performer, comedian, and certified Picnic Party Consultant. And she's here for us. Just us. And anyone who can spring for the low-low admission fee of just $99.99 for a twelve-step, twelve-minute, hands on all singing, all dancing instructional session that will change your life forever while it lasts don't be late.

Trained in Action Theatre, Authentic Movement, and Body-Centered Expressive Movement, Dr. Carla studied with shamans and van dwellers and was certified by and worked with Stanislav von Graf (Spee) and Jackson (Jackie the Peanut) Smallnuts in Holotropic Breathwork and plant therapy. (She herself has single-handedly and without regard for her personal feelings or safety and with no need to ever mention it or seek recognition solely and alone among all the peoples of the world who have ever lived saved many radishes, carrots, rutabagas, and several ailing pumpkins to boot from serious depression, evil spirits, and leaf rot, so think what she can do for you.)

This week only at the Four Centered Rivers Center for the Creative Centered Arts — come one, come all. Come early and often. Only $99.99 while the spiritual energy lasts.

Just look for the door around the back of the gray and orange building between Ed's Spanish Recycling and the Good Eats Cuenca Weenie Hole.

Bring a friend with money and get your very own free aura tuneup and miracle brow-wiping cloth and if you have recycling to drop off, well Ed will be glad to see you too. We start on time and don't take kindly to laggards since we have appointments in a bunch of other gringo burgs all up and down the Gullible Coast and then we have to hop over the border into Peru before dark. Just so you know.

Please send an email to let us know you are coming, and how much money you plan to be carrying, and if you are armed. Thank you very much. See you there if not somewhere else.

True!

Pet Chiropractic With Doctor Duane

Do you have a pet that's alive?

Do you want to keep it that way? Try me. I need work.

My name is Doctor Connerwell Duane (of the Cleveland Duanes) and I have a degree in Pet Work. You may have heard of me since I have advertised in the past: Dr. Doctor Connerwell Duane D.P.C. (Doctor of Pet Chiropractic). My mother named me Doctor. Little did she know...

But back to me.

Are your pets suffering from the wear and tear of living? Could be. Pets get around, you know, even when you're not watching. First they wear, then they tear. Or the other way around. I have it written down somewhere.

But not to fear — I can help, I think. In fact I'm almost sure of it. My fees are so low it's almost a shame. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep. You can watch if you want, some time. It's pretty amusing. I have surveillance tapes to prove it.

If you have rabbits, cats, dogs, other stuff, I can handle it all. Even livestock, but prefer not to touch fish, especially the moody ones, and those electric things. I saw one once and still have nightmares sometimes, but usually cats and dogs are about as extreme as people get though I have been known to do a pretty good job with swine. (Some of my favorites being the Gloucestershire Grunter, Rhode Island Red Sox, and your ever-popular Leghorn Oinkmaster.)

Hamsters, no — too small. Sometimes they just turn to mush inside. Must be something about how the pressure points are arranged. They all seem to be defective that way and I've never had any luck, though I usually win in court.

Anyhoo — hey, give me a toot and I'll come-a-runnin'. Got nothing much else to do until my extradition hearing in a few months, so if you have a li'l fuzzy buddy that can still move under its own power every so often, maybe I can still do some damage.

Did I say that I have over 20 years of experience and would be happy to evaluate your beloved animal companion? Or just sit on the patio and toss back a few if you haven't got much else going on. I don't, mostly. I am pretty decent with past life regressions too, and you'd be surprised what some animals have been through if you can get them to talk.

Sometimes you can't shut them up again, which is why I mostly prefer pets that are small enough to fit inside a box. That usually works, but we can play it by ear. I have learned lots of tricks over the years and can probably be of some help, so call then, OK?

Yours very truly,

Dr. Doctor Connerwell Duane, DPC
email: cuenca_critter_twister@gmail.com

P.S. I'm not in the phone book anymore since they took my phone away, so email. Try it and see if it still works.

Spiritual Workshop Advance Registration

Hi.

Not to be confused with Indigo Sol, the Geezer Truck Driver Latin Band out of Mukilteo, WA, or the Avalon Hills Apartments For Rent in Phoenix, Arizona, or Indigo the Moon Alpha Female of the Twilight Pack in the Faery Realms of Avalon Magic, no — this is all non-theoretical, I am Indigo Avalon Sol.

"We will be covering your ancient roots in this workshop, where you come from, how you were created, what you are doing here and how long your journey here is set to last," as stated in the poster you may have found glued on your car. (Some of you received multiple copies — you know who you are, right?)

This is the real deal and I am it - will you come please it is going to be good, and that is not a question it is a statement in fact my aura is already tingles of anticipation and you will too.

Class to begin around 6 to 7:30 for those interested, though there will be introductory lolling beginning at 4 PN (the Praeternatural Hour) until 5:30 thereafter, and a warmup phase with gentle stretching routines led by Tami. (She's good, no?) If you know her already. You might. If not then Walter will be standing by.

Personal Projectee, one Indigo Avalon Sol (me!) will share with you the answers directly from the Secret Dimensions at this seminar. True! That is a statement direct from the Orifice of The Projectee (also me!), so don't look for less. This is for real - we will sign you up for the extended session in two weeks provided you bring cash, it is strenuous for me.

Topics.

• Postulation.
• Pause for vibrations to subside.
• The Real Truth behind the truth of the Whatsis Throne. (Never seen on TV. Yet.)
• Intro to the Law of One and other numbers.
• What's up with Cliven Bundy these days.
• Level 22 Time Matrix of Gaia you call your solar system.
• Refreshments. (We provide air at no charge.)
• Nap time.
• More answers from 2 1/2 years of in-person education. (Always fun.)
• Target dates. (Other fruits may qualify, just ask.)
• What this has all been about if ever.
• Closing ceremony and fee collection.

Permission may be granted to lick the toenails of Indigo Avalon Sol (me again!) on your way out, depending on audience demand. Be prepared to state your reasons.

Spiritual Workshop by contactee - advance registration

Ain't this a fun place to live? Always something going on.

The Fat Ones Are All Aliens

You see them all over these days.

A lot of them are tall, but wide. Wide is the key. And pasty, as in pasty-white.

Nominally they are either tourists or resident gringos. Either way, they come from outside.

And if you were wondering what is the difference, sir, between tourist gringos and resident gringos, it is that resident gringos don't go home quite so soon. It takes a while to grind through the gloss of glittery newness and for the grit to build up in their shorts.

Then they go home.

After they've given up and decided to blame their despair and fatigue on the place and not on the crabbed and seeping, infected nature of their own expectations.

Which feels like grit in their shorts.

Because it's a place. Here. Here is a place with skies and clouds and sunrises and sunsets and dirt in the streets and stinks and noises like any other place at all and it isn't paradise, not even a little. What it is isn't bad.

That is to say it (here) is Not all that bad for just another place, mostly because it's different from what I'm used to. And there's no snow. And lunch is cheap.

My first thought on arriving was grubby, which was also in my head as I was leaving six months later. Grubby describes it, but is too small a word to cover everything. Me, for example — I fit in there too. You could describe me as grubby, and who would argue? Who?

It's all in your head, after all, and if your head is pointy or flat or spherical or covered in spikes, well I'm certainly not going to come over to get acquainted, even if it is to set you straight.

And besides, I don't care. You don't interest me, not even a tiny amount. I have my own problems to hack at without adding you to the list. You are from outside anyway. Way outside. Outside my circle of giving a flying duck. No — I don't care about you or what you think or where you came from or how much grit you carry in your underpants.

You are as much an alien to me as to the people who were born here and have then lived here forever. You are only strange meat hanging on another odd carcass.

Three heads? You actually have three heads? And you expect what kind of reaction from me? An award? Congratulations? A little gold star? What?

Go away. I'm bored.

By you, of you, with you, at you, and all the rest. I've seen you, all of you, all my life. You are my people. You are my relatives. I know you and I don't care. I'm working on other things now, so come and go as you will and leave me to work at my own work.

Which is mostly trying to pass for someone who isn't totally crazy or stupid or inept, and also who is trying to just enjoy the sunshine.

That's about all I can handle, and if I can keep two of my three heads hidden from view, then mostly I'm still having fun. On my third try at this. Here. At this here.

As If I Even Needed To Mention It!

Post-pre, that's me!

Been there, done that too!

With Christmas rapidly approaching, maybe now is a good time to get your head screwed. On tight, and then brace yourself for the tidal wave of tinsel with some down-home, gluten-free Hypno Thera Pee.™

So being both a Certified Past Life Regressionist and a Certified Plant Walker, maybe I can help you get centered at the Center Of All Centers Of Things here in beautiful Cuenca. And up your good chlorophyll count too.

Hey — Bekki Huffnpuf here, at your service, nearly breathless with excitement.

I will be in town next week only so this is your chance. Normally $999.99, now only $899.99 because you've probably taken this course already, remember? No? Well, we'll get you properly lubed up and then once again pull you out of that long dark tube you keep finding yourself in, and then you will!

First some regression and then a bunch of (hopefully fun!) anti-regression. When you hear the loud Pop! you know your rebirth has been consummated.

Payment due in advance. Cash only, please. Bring a cat if you like.

Some things we will cover:

• A variety of techniques.
• How to chart aural flux and understand colorful diagrams.
• Various theories.
• When not to conduct a past-life session. (I.e., like during thunderstorms.)
• How to ask nonleading nonquestions and other stuff.
• What's for lunch?
• Discerning fantasy from reality. (Just kidding!!!)
• Dealing with memories of being an animal. (Adults only, 'K?)
• Ethics of fleecing.
• Powerful techniques useful for things.
• Past-life revue. (Fun!!! And we provide the costumes!!!)

This will be an unusual combination of no-fault shamanism. And later we'll play the unconsciousness game to unwind.

I was previously well known in various parts and will have outstanding testimonials standing right outside, both clients and former pets.

Besides that, I'm a Certified Blogger, also trained in other things, and a Certified Web Master (1997), and Certified Clinical Shih-Doo Makeup Smearer, just in from the coast. Don't miss this! I'm the colorful one.

Class starts bright and early Monday at 2 p.m. Sharp(ish)! Or maybe Tuesday if I sleep late.