Sunday, January 24, 2016

Pet Chiropractic With Doctor Duane

Do you have a pet that's alive?

Do you want to keep it that way? Try me. I need work.

My name is Doctor Connerwell Duane (of the Cleveland Duanes) and I have a degree in Pet Work. You may have heard of me since I have advertised in the past: Dr. Doctor Connerwell Duane D.P.C. (Doctor of Pet Chiropractic). My mother named me Doctor. Little did she know...

But back to me.

Are your pets suffering from the wear and tear of living? Could be. Pets get around, you know, even when you're not watching. First they wear, then they tear. Or the other way around. I have it written down somewhere.

But not to fear — I can help, I think. In fact I'm almost sure of it. My fees are so low it's almost a shame. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep. You can watch if you want, some time. It's pretty amusing. I have surveillance tapes to prove it.

If you have rabbits, cats, dogs, other stuff, I can handle it all. Even livestock, but prefer not to touch fish, especially the moody ones, and those electric things. I saw one once and still have nightmares sometimes, but usually cats and dogs are about as extreme as people get though I have been known to do a pretty good job with swine. (Some of my favorites being the Gloucestershire Grunter, Rhode Island Red Sox, and your ever-popular Leghorn Oinkmaster.)

Hamsters, no — too small. Sometimes they just turn to mush inside. Must be something about how the pressure points are arranged. They all seem to be defective that way and I've never had any luck, though I usually win in court.

Anyhoo — hey, give me a toot and I'll come-a-runnin'. Got nothing much else to do until my extradition hearing in a few months, so if you have a li'l fuzzy buddy that can still move under its own power every so often, maybe I can still do some damage.

Did I say that I have over 20 years of experience and would be happy to evaluate your beloved animal companion? Or just sit on the patio and toss back a few if you haven't got much else going on. I don't, mostly. I am pretty decent with past life regressions too, and you'd be surprised what some animals have been through if you can get them to talk.

Sometimes you can't shut them up again, which is why I mostly prefer pets that are small enough to fit inside a box. That usually works, but we can play it by ear. I have learned lots of tricks over the years and can probably be of some help, so call then, OK?

Yours very truly,

Dr. Doctor Connerwell Duane, DPC

P.S. I'm not in the phone book anymore since they took my phone away, so email. Try it and see if it still works.


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