Crazed With Cleverness

Don't let me stop you.

Some locals are (a) crazy too, or (b) clever at business. Or just crazy.

You're an adult. You know what you want. You are aware that the universe is a strange place, including this part of it, and that the universe has teeth.

Nevertheless, let's have a language lesson. Right now. It will be quick.

precaución: noun, feminine

1. caution, care (prudencia)
2. precaution, preventive-measure (medida)
3. foresight (previsión)

Get that?

Easy to understand — painless, right?

Makes sense, right?

Smooth and creamy with no bitter after-taste, right?

Good.

Now here it is from a different direction, with both barrels and subtitle-free. (Keep your emotions under control if at all possible.)

I am Dr. Uma Sabo, a traditional spiritual herbal doctor.

I can fix many questions or problems that come into your life.

l can make your ex-lover come back to your life.

l can make your marriage stable and, even if he/she has gone, l can make him/her be yours forever.

Some other problems I help/solve are: business problems, difficulty in birth, marriage problems, healing all type of sickness, stroke, any type of cancer, madness, witchcraft, financial problems, traveling issues, helping students, giving people magic, eye problems, broken bones, working on lotto numbers, infertility.

Contact me today and your problems will be solved,

Uma Sabo: d[something]spell[something-else]@gmail.com

(I've redacted the poisonous part. For my protection, not yours.) *

Add up the serious ability to make no sense in his/her/its declarations of potency, and you have a better-than-well-rounded practitioner. Let's call him/her/it decidedly over-round. Super-rotund? Flexed past the bounds of reality?

And of course like those psychics who work for minimum wage late at night on the other end of the phone line, Dr. Uma Sabo can give you the winning lotto numbers, but cannot supply them to him/her/itself, and so has to solicit random wretched shreds of business online.

Then again, does working on lotto numbers actually mean anything?

Only the Sabo knows.

Anyway, me. I got other ways to waste my time than being the recipient of worked-on lotto numbers, witchcraft-proofing, and/or emancipation from people magic.

Really though. Really.

I've been able to score all the important items on the Sabo list all by my lonesome. Leaving you to provide Sabo's next meal. Cuz I ain't gonna be it.

If you wish to be dinner.

As they say here then, Bon provecho.

And good luck with that.

* Originally seen at Gringo Post: http://gringopost.blogspot.com/ No longer there. Heh.

Shung Fwei Makeovers With Banana Jam

A 98.6 percent solution.

Hi, everybody!

Well, today is a new day!

As you might not have noticed, I have recently relocated to beautiful Cuenca, Ecuador, and I love it here!

For new visitors to Fung Ways Newsletter, my name is Banana Jam Hajduk. I am a licensed Counseling Psychologist and Fruit Therapist, trained in the Three Berries tradition of the ancient school of Shung Fway, located at 1613 Santa Monica Boulevard in Los Angeles, California.

I also have an advanced degree in Kitty-Cats and Funny Hats, as well as having studied with the masters of the Colored Fuzz Method in Panama and at the McNeil Island Institution in Washington State.

Why Cuenca?

Good question!

Having lived in several European countries, Belize, Malaysia, the USA, and several Mexican compounds with my former husband Pablo (recently deceased), I decided it was time for a change!

I now enjoy peace and anonymity despite being wanted in several if not most of the countries mentioned. For seminars, of course!

Hah! You big silly!

Well, how about you?

Are you new to life in Cuenca, Ecuador? Did you just move here? Do you have some troubling past life experiences you need sorted out? Well, I have personal experience with that, and I can tell you that plastic surgery and even frequent name changes will not solve all your problems.

So, for those nagging issues that just won't go away, I call on Shung Fwey, and you can too.

A vigorous but gently stimulating Fruit Cup Massage and Earlobe Reading will make you into a New Person. I can guarantee it! And, for those few skeptics out there, I have a no-money back guarantee to back me up.

Once we have your chi-force in line with your sugar balance (and have your pectin chart fully operational), we can move on to discussing your fashion sense and talking about the Real Estate Market.

I'm betting you probably never gave it much thought, but Cuenca is a Hot, Hot Real Estate Market, chock full of opportunity. And just between the two of us - We Can Make It Happen!

A few private consultations, a handful of Fung Tweaks, a bit of Staging Magic, and carefully-worded ads placed in the right international real estate speculation journals will have your head spinning in no time.

Do we hear cash? Yes!

I also do Pet Relaxation Therapy, and what I call my Komfy Kollages using all-natural, all-organic fuzz collected at night from sleeping alpacas. Doesn't that sound like Fun?

Now, I know you want to ease into all this, so next Saturday I'll be giving a free seminar for interested persons, "newbies", and diehard doubters.

We'll be meeting at the Tastee Bean Caffeine-Free Coffee Bar and Harmonic Convergence Research Center at 10 a.m., with a suggested $200 donation to be collected at the door by my friend Mike.

If you want lunch, a certified spiritually-accessible low fat fruit plate will be available from Kate's Eats for a mere $73.

So new to Shung Fwey or not, discover how my environment can affect you and how to hold hands and become one with my bank account.

See you there!

Or else!

Walking In The Land Of Love

Former governor to demonstrate knot tying.

"Yes, it's true. Hiking changed my life, and now I want to help others." So says former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, the man who disappeared one day "to go for a hike", and ended up with an Argentinian mistress named Maria Belén Chapur.

Just how that could have happened seems mysterious to outsiders, but among Appalachian Trail thru-hikers, section hikers, trail crews, and others familiar with the 2184-mile (3515 km) route, it's simply another case of "trail magic".

Usually this phenomenon is limited to unexpected gifts of food, cold drinks, or sometimes a shower and a place to hole up and remove ticks, but Sanford hit the jackpot.

"We get very, very few cases anything like this," said Benton K. Shaffer, Director of the The Appalachian Trail Conservancy. "Although it's not unknown for romances to develop while hiking the trail, it's like being struck by lightning - you can't plan for it."

"And," he continued, "this is the first recorded case of two people from separate continents, who never actually met, getting this kind of action."

Governor Sanford was, at the time, simply out to relax on a day hike. Ms Chapur, a resident of Buenos Aires, was walking her dog down a path near the Rio de la Plata River, taking the air and admiring the sunset.

Suddenly, each became intimately aware of the other, though neither had even heard of each other before.

"It was telepathic spooky action at a distance," said Sanford, "I knew I had to meet this woman, my true soulmate, so I immediately left my wife and family. Wouldn't you? How often do you find a hiking buddy you know is right for you?"

Governor Sanford's wife Jenny divorced him in 2010, though he remained in office until his term died a natural death in January 2011.

Non-hikers being non-believers, his political career also died, but that hasn't stopped Sanford. He is now promoting extending the Appalachian Trail through Central America and along the coast of South America, all the way to Tierra del Fuego, the "land of fire", and possibly of romance.

And he has started an online hiker dating service called "Plenty of Trips", where other bad boys with tomcat tendencies can search the world for their "true lugmates". "What does the word 'vibram' make you think of?" he asks with a wink. I know what it does for me."

Sanford and Chapur are now engaged to be married, although each maintains an active account at PlentyOfTrips.com "Just in case lightning wants to strike twice."

More:

Ex-South Carolina governor to marry former mistress

El gobernador infiel de Carolina del Sur se casa con su amante argentina

Exclusive CNN Photos: Sanford engaged to Argentinean girlfriend

New Ecuadorean Immigration Policy

Some nose tweaking required.

You may have heard of Julian Assange, international gadfly, Australian editor, activist, political talk show host, computer programmer, publisher, journalist, and spider-hole hider.

You may have heard that he is now hanging out in the Ecuadorean embassy in London.

You may think that he is trying to avoid extradition to some country or other, and this is the story that is being spread.

The truth is that Ecuador is simply trying to debug its immigration system.

For a few years now locations in Ecuador have been listed among the most desirable places to retire. But there are problems. Not with the various cities per se, but with the immigration system and residency process.

Sometimes it takes many months or even years to get residency approved.

People run in circles, going from office to office, with no noticeable result, except to frustrate themselves to distraction. Some have been sent "back home" to fetch this document or that, a signature, a notary seal or whatever, only to find, when they return to Ecuador, that they got the wrong one, or that the rules have changed in their absence.

In the past year two heads of the Ecuadorean immigration system have been fired for corruption.

Lower-to-mid-level staff have been shuffled, hired, fired, re-hired, and so on, until no one knows any more what the heck is going on. Least of all the gringo geezers who simply want a place to plunk their butts and spend some retirement checks.

This is where Assange comes in.

See, when debugging a new system, it's always best to start with the worst possible case. Because that's the one that will kick up the most problems. And not only the most obvious ones, but the subtle ones as well.

What better way to hack the new process than with a hacker sought internationally for possible sex crimes and a bit of friendly interrogation, enhancement-wise?

So here comes President Rafael Correa granting asylum to Assange, right in the middle of London for the whole world to watch. You've got police crawling all over the place, TV cameras buzzing day and night, surveillance crews going at it like crazy, and what could be a better test scenario?

So Correa condemns Britain for threatening to invade the embassy and seize Mr Assange. He calls it "intolerable".

He says his government is "open to dialog", while insisting that Britain is maintaining an "intransigent" position.

And so on and on.

Now here's the kicker.

See, Correa and his government, using new rules and tools for immigration, now have to "transmit" so to speak, Mr Assange from the U.K. to Ecuador.

If they can manage this, then shuffling any old duffer anywhere in the world over to Ecuador will be like child's play.

Mr Assange's dramatic London balcony tango was only a diversion meant to build dramatic tension. Expect another such occurrence soon, but one during which Mr Assange will vanish in a puff of smoke, possibly accompanied by a few sparks to titillate the TV audience, after which he will reappear in Quito, mere milliseconds later.

If nothing else, this could revolutionize international travel, though you might have no choice of destinations other than Ecuador.

Hugo Chavez, the Venezuelan president, also got into the act, appearing on his own balcony flapping his arms and hyperventilating the way he does, claiming that everyone is welcome to seek asylum in his country as well, but aides managed to tie him up and drag him back inside before he hurt himself.

Faustino Barrientos

Our man in Chile.

Faustino Barrientos lives in Patagonia, in Chile. He has lived alone since 1965, on the shores Lake O'Higgins in a house built from a shipwreck.

Barrientos makes do with what he can get from his livestock, and from the land.

His nearest neighbors are 25 miles (40 km) away, and if he wants to visit, it's a two-day trip on horseback.

Every few years he's made a trip into town to sell some cattle, but that may not be possible too much longer. He is now 81.

See a four-part video series from Vice:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Or watch all 35 minutes at once.

Time To Chile Out?

I've simply had a change of heart.

You may know me me from such jobs as Secretary of Defense, private sector bigwig at Halliburton, Vice President of the United States, and Special Assistant to the Prince of Darkness, but I'm really a regular guy.

Hi. My name is Richard Bruce Cheney, but you can call me Dick. Most people do.

You may also be aware that I have a long history of cardiovascular disease, going way back to 1978, when I was only 37. That was when I had my first heart attack, and since then I've had four more, which is surprising because I was born without any heart whatsoever.

But now I'm in the clear. I'm proud to say that within my chest there is now beating the heart of an "anonymous donor". That's how I like to put it. Anyway, the donor is completely off the records now and I intend to keep it that way.

My doctor says with this new heart it's reasonable for a man like me to live another 10 years. Personally speaking, as long as I have an actual beating heart, regardless of where it came from, I really don't care about the rest.

Things are great thanks to my publicly-funded health care, which I get because of my public pension, which I have because of the generosity of the American people, who could be some of the world's truly great serfs if we can only unleash their potential.

And that's my goal now.

While in the hospital I had lots of time to study the history of Latin America. It's fascinating, especially countries like Chile. Did you know that, beginning in 1973, General Augusto Pinochet took power and wielded it for 17 years? This was a time when neoliberal policies were given a real shot at succeeding.

Now, "neoliberal" sounds all socialist and full of that touchy-feely crap, but what it really means is that everything goes. Total freedom. A market-driven economy able to run unattended, guided only by the loving invisible hand of a military dictatorship.

This is what I will devote the rest of my life to achieving. Right here in the good old U.S. of A.

Because, you see, the experiment in Chile ultimately failed. And what could you expect? Chileans are only Latin Americans. And we are actual Americans. The real ones. We can get this done right.

Now that I have a heart, and human blood pumping through me, I feel more strongly than ever that I can finally kick some real butt around here and whip this country into the kind of shape it should have.

So, are you with me? Or will we have to come for you?