Sunday, January 31, 2016

Cracker Dance

Nibble your way to enlightenment while moving to the music.

We have them all here: whole wheat (trigo integral), barley (cebada), oats (aveena), quinoa (trendy bits). Take your pick. Nibble away. Become all you can be. Join the Enlightenment Force. Sing and dance your way to happiness while enjoying healthy snacks.

Your Heavenly Facilitator this week (fresh in from St Tropez) will be Carla Venn Diagram, famous graphic artist, stylist, fashion statement, and Spiritual Guru ™, still almost warm from the sunny shores of that fabled little French village that has so much to teach us, the place where Carla VD as she likes to be known recently participated in celebrating the life of the town's patron saint, Torpe de Pizza, well known to the history books for his mozzarella breath and propensity to harvest intense sunburns while sleeping off lunch during long afternoon naps on the beach.

Which you can also do in Cuenca, but not this weekend, because this weekend, (This one only!) we're welcoming Dr. Carla VD and her famous instructional hand puppets to show us the way to enlightenment without any B.S. or need to suspend any disbelief whatsoever.

Yes, folks, it's Carla Venn Diagram: MSW, MFA, Ph.D., Transpersonal, body-centered psycho-spiritual therapist, registered expressive arts therapist, visual artist, dance and improv performer, comedian, and certified Picnic Party Consultant. And she's here for us. Just us. And anyone who can spring for the low-low admission fee of just $99.99 for a twelve-step, twelve-minute, hands on all singing, all dancing instructional session that will change your life forever while it lasts don't be late.

Trained in Action Theatre, Authentic Movement, and Body-Centered Expressive Movement, Dr. Carla studied with shamans and van dwellers and was certified by and worked with Stanislav von Graf (Spee) and Jackson (Jackie the Peanut) Smallnuts in Holotropic Breathwork and plant therapy. (She herself has single-handedly and without regard for her personal feelings or safety and with no need to ever mention it or seek recognition solely and alone among all the peoples of the world who have ever lived saved many radishes, carrots, rutabagas, and several ailing pumpkins to boot from serious depression, evil spirits, and leaf rot, so think what she can do for you.)

This week only at the Four Centered Rivers Center for the Creative Centered Arts — come one, come all. Come early and often. Only $99.99 while the spiritual energy lasts.

Just look for the door around the back of the gray and orange building between Ed's Spanish Recycling and the Good Eats Cuenca Weenie Hole.

Bring a friend with money and get your very own free aura tuneup and miracle brow-wiping cloth and if you have recycling to drop off, well Ed will be glad to see you too. We start on time and don't take kindly to laggards since we have appointments in a bunch of other gringo burgs all up and down the Gullible Coast and then we have to hop over the border into Peru before dark. Just so you know.

Please send an email to let us know you are coming, and how much money you plan to be carrying, and if you are armed. Thank you very much. See you there if not somewhere else.


Sunday, January 24, 2016

Pet Chiropractic With Doctor Duane

Do you have a pet that's alive?

Do you want to keep it that way? Try me. I need work.

My name is Doctor Connerwell Duane (of the Cleveland Duanes) and I have a degree in Pet Work. You may have heard of me since I have advertised in the past: Dr. Doctor Connerwell Duane D.P.C. (Doctor of Pet Chiropractic). My mother named me Doctor. Little did she know...

But back to me.

Are your pets suffering from the wear and tear of living? Could be. Pets get around, you know, even when you're not watching. First they wear, then they tear. Or the other way around. I have it written down somewhere.

But not to fear — I can help, I think. In fact I'm almost sure of it. My fees are so low it's almost a shame. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep. You can watch if you want, some time. It's pretty amusing. I have surveillance tapes to prove it.

If you have rabbits, cats, dogs, other stuff, I can handle it all. Even livestock, but prefer not to touch fish, especially the moody ones, and those electric things. I saw one once and still have nightmares sometimes, but usually cats and dogs are about as extreme as people get though I have been known to do a pretty good job with swine. (Some of my favorites being the Gloucestershire Grunter, Rhode Island Red Sox, and your ever-popular Leghorn Oinkmaster.)

Hamsters, no — too small. Sometimes they just turn to mush inside. Must be something about how the pressure points are arranged. They all seem to be defective that way and I've never had any luck, though I usually win in court.

Anyhoo — hey, give me a toot and I'll come-a-runnin'. Got nothing much else to do until my extradition hearing in a few months, so if you have a li'l fuzzy buddy that can still move under its own power every so often, maybe I can still do some damage.

Did I say that I have over 20 years of experience and would be happy to evaluate your beloved animal companion? Or just sit on the patio and toss back a few if you haven't got much else going on. I don't, mostly. I am pretty decent with past life regressions too, and you'd be surprised what some animals have been through if you can get them to talk.

Sometimes you can't shut them up again, which is why I mostly prefer pets that are small enough to fit inside a box. That usually works, but we can play it by ear. I have learned lots of tricks over the years and can probably be of some help, so call then, OK?

Yours very truly,

Dr. Doctor Connerwell Duane, DPC

P.S. I'm not in the phone book anymore since they took my phone away, so email. Try it and see if it still works.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Spiritual Workshop Advance Registration


Not to be confused with Indigo Sol, the Geezer Truck Driver Latin Band out of Mukilteo, WA, or the Avalon Hills Apartments For Rent in Phoenix, Arizona, or Indigo the Moon Alpha Female of the Twilight Pack in the Faery Realms of Avalon Magic, no — this is all non-theoretical, I am Indigo Avalon Sol.

"We will be covering your ancient roots in this workshop, where you come from, how you were created, what you are doing here and how long your journey here is set to last," as stated in the poster you may have found glued on your car. (Some of you received multiple copies — you know who you are, right?)

This is the real deal and I am it - will you come please it is going to be good, and that is not a question it is a statement in fact my aura is already tingles of anticipation and you will too.

Class to begin around 6 to 7:30 for those interested, though there will be introductory lolling beginning at 4 PN (the Praeternatural Hour) until 5:30 thereafter, and a warmup phase with gentle stretching routines led by Tami. (She's good, no?) If you know her already. You might. If not then Walter will be standing by.

Personal Projectee, one Indigo Avalon Sol (me!) will share with you the answers directly from the Secret Dimensions at this seminar. True! That is a statement direct from the Orifice of The Projectee (also me!), so don't look for less. This is for real - we will sign you up for the extended session in two weeks provided you bring cash, it is strenuous for me.


  • Postulation.
  • Pause for vibrations to subside.
  • The Real Truth behind the truth of the Whatsis Throne. (Never seen on TV. Yet.)
  • Intro to the Law of One and other numbers.
  • What's up with Cliven Bundy these days.
  • Level 22 Time Matrix of Gaia you call your solar system.
  • Refreshments. (We provide air at no charge.)
  • Nap time.
  • More answers from 2 1/2 years of in-person education. (Always fun.)
  • Target dates. (Other fruits may qualify, just ask.)
  • What this has all been about if ever.
  • Closing ceremony and fee collection.

Permission may be granted to lick the toenails of Indigo Avalon Sol (me again!) on your way out, depending on audience demand. Be prepared to state your reasons.

Spiritual Workshop by contactee - advance registration

Ain't this a fun place to live? Always something going on.

Sunday, January 3, 2016


Life isn't perfect.

Did you know that? Did you ever expect to hear that? Is it news to you?

I'm a dick, and so are you.

I try not to be. A dick. When I remember. But mostly. I'm thinking about other things.

Like lunch.

Or those flies. Always the flies. Why do they hang around me?

Flies, I can do without.

So what were we talking about? You, I guess. Why are you such a dick?

Can't you try harder, keep in touch with my feelings, stand up straight and act more like a responsible person? It would help.

It would help me. I have enough problems without bringing you and all your baggage into the equation. And it isn't really an equation either.

Which maybe is why some of this doesn't pencil out, trying to fit everything that happens into a formula like stuffing trash into a bag but with all the odd ends and points and dribbling it doesn't turn out so neat. So neatly.

Precision instruments do not function optimally in this world we have wandered into. I wish. But no.

But I think the problem is mostly you. Without dealing with you and your friends and relatives and most of the other people around here I could do OK, do better at least. If you weren't such a dick, at least that's what I think.

Am I wrong to think this?

Don't bother answering I don't care what you think since I'm always right. So think it over and agree with me.

But you don't need to bother telling me about it. I don't want to hear from you any more.

What more can I say?