Wednesday, March 13, 2013

All-American Flushing, Still At Local Prices

Get an inner tube checkup now.

Here at Don's Colon we provide only the finest cuisine and All-American Colon Showers. If you haven't given us a try yet, hey.

Maybe it's time.

You've heard of Vegetarian. We do that.

You've heard of Vegan. Ditto, and it's OK.

You've heard of Raw Food Vegan. Well, guess what? Yep.

And so on.

But where's the limit? Can you spend your whole life searching for the perfect diet?

Yes, and we cater too.

But what's the end game? Well, it's a wild tofu chase, folks. Once you start that hunt you may end up feeling like the Pope in the woods some days.

Food has its limits, and of everything you eat, only so much gets processed. And then, you know what happens next.

That's were we come in.

Here in lovely Cuenca in lovely Ecuador we have a paradise.

A paradise of weather, of low food prices, of gringos stampeding to get the last $800 rental before it goes up to $1200. And if you're looking for a $300 rental, it's now the $800 rental.

Food is one of the last bargains, so people go overboard, especially Social Security recipients hoping to make it here on that monthly check. Once they find out what rentals cost now, they eat to compensate.

No, even if you're on our Raw Food Vegan Plan, you can still use an occasional tune-up to remove impacted residue.

And that's were we make our entrance into your scene.

Stop by any time.

No reservations needed. We have the conveyor running 24/7, and it'll take you straight through our Flush 'N Wax and deposit you out the other end in no time.

And after your Flush, what then?

Go for it.

Try the choice petit filet mignon or fish special, with garlic bread, onion soup, Caesar salad, potato, and veggie. Regularly $10 + tax and tip, but fully covered by the $99.99 Flush Price.

In other words, the best of all possible treats after a vigorous treatment, and a great antidote to all that crunchy raw food you've been gnawing at in frustration.

To your health then, from Don's Colon.

Friday, March 8, 2013


Plus a free suicide shower to our 47th still breathing attendee.

Hi. My name is Ken Ken. No, I'm not a double agent, or Barbie's gay companion male. I'm an expat, and I do everything double good.

My wife, Jane Jane and I moved to Ecuador, and we think we know a lot that you don't. Probably, is what I'm thinking.

Jane Jane thinks so too, don't you, Jane Jane? (She's nodding her head in agreement right now.)

So, since, aside from our names, we're pretty normal for pod people, we thought we'd offer to share our vast knowledge gained through eight months of living in a high-rise apartment with 24-hour security, eating in gringos-only restaurants, and getting crystal therapy while undergoing quantum massage.

Sound good?

OK, time for a disclaimer. I am not currently selling real estate or anything else, but I do have connections, in case. Think about it.

I'm sure you know how things work, and if so, please feel free to sign up for our weekly seminar, "Getting Real About Ecuadorian Real Estate".

Catchy name, right? Jane Jane and I think so.

And we like it here. We really, really like it here.

You might too. But you have to sign up to get the inside story. Seating is limited, and if you want a shot at the best properties, you really need expert advice. Remember, anyone who can sneak past the guards gets in free.

So, to sum up, this is just a friendly offer from two friendly people with friendly names to answer your typical newbie questions.

Questions such as: How to get here, how to find suitable properties, how to avoid the locals, who to bribe, and how to hire the best criminal lawyer after you try that bribing thing.

So give us a tootle via the internet and let's talk! (Jane Jane is nodding her head again.)

  • Ken Ken's and Jane Jane's Free Ride
  • Free advice on everything - Love offerings accepted at the door
  • Wednesday evenings, 7 p.m. to 9 p.m. at Big Ed's Red Colon Restaurant and Cleansing Station
  • See you there!
  • Email: KK&
  • MagykJack: +539-209-21838
  • Address: 18 de Septiembre E 17 - 26 y 61 de Diciembre (Turn left at October and walk down Novenber - it's on the left.)