Life On Wheels

I'm not sure yet, but it's got to have wheels, engine not optional. I need a vehicle because it's going to be my home.

I've been living somewhere nice, outside the U.S., but I'm close to the end of my life and I'm bored here. It would be a good place to die, but so far as I can tell, that won't be today, or tomorrow, or even next week, so I might as well get up on my hind legs and move around.

I have places to see, and I can walk. The other version of that is that I can walk and have places I sill want to see, and they aren't here, mostly.

At "home", in the U.S., I know where things are and how to get to them, which means having a vehicle. That's going to be it. I don't own a house and I guess though I could buy something going by that name, it would be pointless to have, because houses — normal houses — don't move. "Mobile homes" don't count. They aren't. Mobile. Or homes, mostly.

The same applies to apartments. They're even more expensive than houses in most ways, but still fixed, and then you always need to keep one eye open for the landlord, not that you're doing anything wrong, but you always have to be ready to present a presentable presence.

In other words, you need to constantly, in effect, wear your best clothes and be on your best behavior.

Screw that.

Anyway, I can't afford to rent anything. Going by the one-third of your income to rent rule, I can't afford anything I'd consider living in, unless it, like any house I'd hypothetically buy, was somewhere I would not want to live. Because that's where the cheap is.

So vehicles, but which?

Going by the Lust Rule, I need a Toyota Yaris iA, s rebadged Mazda 2, available with a manual transmission. Tight, crisp, tiny, responsive, cheap-ish, and frugal all around. But for living in? Eh. About two-thirds the floorspace size of my current bathroom, which is just barely large enough so I don't bump into myself every time I turn around quickly. Take that and figure in about six inches of headroom, and you have a decent coffin for two, but not a great space to call home during a rainy week.

Going by the Rule of Practicalities, I need a van, a cargo van, but they're screamingly expensive, large, skeletal, sloppy, loose, wide, wallowing, unresponsive, and profligate on fuel use. I don't want a 350 cubic inch (6 liter) V8 engine dragging around an empty steel box that retails for $35K at the bottom end. (Or used, 10-15 years old with 150K to 250K miles on it.)

Then there is everything in between.

Like the Kia Soul, a hatchback SUV-wannabe built on the Kia Rio chassis, which has little ground clearance, not much interior room, and lousy fuel economy for such a small vehicle.

Or a step up, a Kia Sportage, Hyundai Tucson, or Nissan Rogue: compact SUVs, which are really smallish to medium-sized family cars with an aggressive look and lots of cupholders. Cupholders are a big thing these days. They appear in car reviews and their numbers and placement affect the final score. And the "infotainment" systems. Fuck infotainment, you ask me. Of my first two cars, which I drove for a total of almost 30 years, neither even had a radio. A radio is enough for me, so fuck infotainment systems.

All of these look decent, and I'm focusing on them because they're readily available through Hertz Car Sales, which is where I'm focused for now. Want used? Check there. Good selection, good deals, but not for every vehicle made.

Other than that — not a bunch. Kia Forte looks great. I had a Hyundai Accent during the summer of 2016 and it was fine, aside from a suspension system consisting of several springs stolen from ballpoint pens and a few marshmallows for dampening. Even drive near a part of town where there's a bump or a dip and you bottom out, then top out, then bounce for half a mile until things settle down. Not much ground clearance either.

Kia Rio looks good, but small, as is the Accent.

Larger Kias and Hyundais are larger, but not much bigger inside, and still low-riding.

Toyota Yaris: no. Not with four-speed automatics. And very small. Toyota Corolla: OK, but a more-expensive version of various Kia, Hyundai, and Nissan models.

If I go cheap, I'll likely pick a Nissan Versa Note, a redesigned version of the Nissan Versa sedan,d and a hatchback with a relatively giant back end. Relatively. You can get one for under $10K, but they're still small inside, have little ground clearance, and relatively small wheels. You get what you pay for, which is, on the good side, high fuel economy and a pretty decent vehicle for the price. Backup: Kia Soul or Hyundai Accent Hatchback.

Most likely to succeed: a Nissan Rogue, a relatively fuel-efficient SUV-styled vehicle with better interior space and decent ground clearance in the 7-inch range. And 17-inch wheels. And the fuel economy is better than the competitors, the Kia Sportage and Hyundai Tucson, which would be the backups. All in the $15K to $17K range, depending on mileage.

So geez — no idea yet. Buy cheap and be cramped but OK or spend 50% more and still be cramped, not get the mileage, but have better wheels and ground clearance for those times when driving on sketchy unpaved roads is the only way to get places.

In a way, no bad choices here, but nothing really stand out, except that it's impossible to find any vehicle which meets all my needs: small on the outside, huge on the inside, cheap but well-built, powerful but economical to drive, built low and sleek for minimum wind drag, but still riding high to handle rough roads.

At least I have both some halfway-decent vehicles to choose from, and, practically speaking all the money I need to get it.

So I guess I'm just whining and ringing my hands again.

Frank & Angie's Grab Bag

Half pound of this, handful of that.

I'm still not sure what I'm going to be doing.

Sure, no one cares, and that's fair. It's my life and my call, and if I was really desperate I would have acted before now.

I am going to leave the U.S. before long and land elsewhere. I just don't know yet where I'm going or when I'll be there.

So I dither. Gathering intelligence, I call it. I'm hoping to get smart real soon now.

As part of this process I recently splurged on a Borch map of Ecuador so I could get reliable information about what really was where. And a book called "Culture Shock Ecuador", which I may review when done. And finally, the "DIY Cuenca Landing Guide: Everything you will want to know to make your stay easier, less expensive, and more fulfilling".

The last is what I'll deal with here.

I don't know actually who wrote it. "Frank, Angie, Brandon, Angelo, and Alex" are listed on their blog, and they don't say any more in the book. You can't really tell who is writing any given passage either.

Frank and Angie are the parents. The others are their sons. They have been living in Cuenca, Ecuador for close to a year.

They make a production of being frugal. Of avoiding the expat ghettos, and of living as close to the day to day culture as they can. They sound nice, but desperate in a way. Like used car sellers during a weekend off. They way those people would sound if you knew them personally and you weren't marks, and if they were off-duty and ranting.

I feel as though I should like these folks and feel odd for not liking them. They seem sincere. I decided to buy their book (which is in PDF form) because no one else has tried in any real way, as far as I know, to collect practical information about Cuenca and package it.

So how's the book then?

In a word, sloppy.

I can't say I'm disappointed because I've been reading their blog off and on for a while, and am familiar with their galloping, free-for-all, shoot-from-the-hip style.

Still, this book is hard to read at times.

Some samples:

Item: "Out of all the washers they sell here the 'Whirl Pool' looks tough and seems like it will last a good long time. The whirl pool will set you back about $700 to $1200."

Item: From a photo cutline: "That's Frank and I up on the terrace eating...LOL no, just kidding....got ya though didn't we?"

Item: "On Thursday's, Plaza Rotary market is mainly geared for the locals where they roast the whole pigs, bring out the fruit vendors and sell furniture, and there is less artisans craft stalls on this day."

Item: "Most expats do not ride the buses around town; rarely do we see gringos riding the bus; they would rather flag down a taxi and pay the $2 bucks to wherever they are going. But overtime this can add up because then you need to hail down a taxi again to take you back home for another $2 bucks. Then what if you want to go out again in the evening—there's another $4 bucks roundtrip, spending $8 on taxi fare for one day. In two weeks that adds up to $112 and in one month you will have spent $224 just on taxi fares. Here's what we do: Rather than spend $4 to $8 dollars a day on a taxi we spend $1 dollar. If we do go out in the evening time we do take a taxi just because we have read the buses aren't safe at night. The buses are perfectly safe to take during the day however; we have never had any problems or negative encounters riding the bus."

Item: "We have met with expats from the states who have had to use the emergency services in Cuenca and they were quite pleased with the outcome. Her appendix burst and she had to be rushed to the Hospital. She said that not only was the quality of care good, the hospital was clean and bright and the price for everything was amazing."

If these passages are not disorienting then you are not my kind of people.

I am.

And what I think is that someone who throws words into a pile and shovels them through a computer and then sells the result for $19.99 in PDF form does not get my trust.

I feel bad for saying this, but I have to wonder if these people have ever been to school, and if so, what they did there. Some parts of the book are so loose that I can't really tell what they're talking about. Reread the passages above if you think you really know what they said.

And the reason I bought this book was for solid information.

Which brings me to the nut. The most important things for me were:

1. the best route into Ecuador
2. how to get from the nearest airport to Cuenca
3. where to find temporary lodging
4. where and how to get reliable, reasonably fast internet service
5. 100% solid, nuts-and-bolts advice on the immigration process

The last two were barely mentioned. They are the important ones. For me.

Internet service is a deal maker, deal breaker thing in itself. I already have a rough idea of the level of service and the challenges getting good service, but hoped for real information. Nope. Not here.

As for the most critical section, dealing with residency, finding an attorney to help, getting on-the-ground information about services offered, fees, who is good and who is not, and all the rest, well that is not in the book.

So let's have a summary. Let's decide.

Should someone interested in moving to Ecuador (specifically Cuenca) buy this book? Yes. And every other recent book you can find. And then read the rest of them for background.

Is this book great, or even good? No.

What I can say is that with pages 15 through 30 ("Choose a Hostel and Hang Your Hat") I probably got my money's worth. That section appears to be useful. Of course I can't tell without going there and seeing what actually happens, but it sounds as though they know what they have written about.

So overall, too bad. I was not expecting this book to be amazingly good, and was not pleasantly surprised.

Now if you want something really well written, the piece that made me suddenly giddy at the thought of Cuenca in the first place, read Top 20 Reasons I like Cuenca, which dates from April, 2008, and is unfortunately less and less true by the day.

Or visit Frank, Angie, Brandon, Angelo, and Alex directly at Discover Cuenca Ecuador

Bye.

Running A Country

I'm going nuts here.

I'm looking for a place to move to and things are squirrelly.

I did a bunch of research and had it all figured out pretty well, and then one day I thought about checking Ecuador. Hey, I don't know why. Really. I can't remember why that happened, or why I hadn't thought about it earlier, but wow. Number One Place Of The World.

I did huge amounts of research, i.e., sitting at my computer reading blogs. OK, so what? That's how I do huge. You go and do it your way if you want, but this is my story. So huge. Huge amounts of research.

There are all kinds of good things about the place.

On the equator, so there is plenty of sun, but kind of humpy in the middle with the Andes Mountains and all, so it's pretty cool, temperature-wise. Decent infrastructure, good water and clean streets, at least around the place I was looking at. And a fair number of people already there speaking my language.

Sure. I am learning Spanish. But, you know. Well, you should. It isn't all that easy to pick up a language sitting at home, even in front of your computer. Even trying hard. So yes, I'm getting there, but I'll have to be on the ground as they say before I can really hammer at it.

So, getting back to the place thing, it was nice that there were other English speakers there already. And all that stuff. Sounded great.

Finally. Enough research. (I read some books too. The paper ones. OK?)

And then when I figure I ought to go for it, although this isn't the cheapest place and it's going to be a little stretchy, money-wise, for the next couple of years, I say hey - do it. (Talking-to-myself-wise, you know. Which is mostly in my thoughts, but not moving my lips or anything.)

So then what happens? Nothing much, it seems, because it all happened a year or so back and is happening again. Bribes. Corruption. Flagrant disregard for the law. Not by me, you should know. By them. The people there running the show. So that kind of crapped out. The system is locked up solid.

There is one blog I found which is pretty good even though the author prays a lot. Like he prays about where God wants him to go do lunch. And he lost his keys and prayed to God to tell him where they were. Not my personal style, but if the world wasn't full of crazy people we'd have to invent them so they could see us as crazy too and we could all snicker back and forth.

Which is beside the point.

The point being that, this guy, and his wife, were there and loving it. They had a nice apartment in a nice city, were settling in, making friends, exploring, eating meals. They had submitted all their forms and all the apostilled doodads and the notarized signatures pasted over with official seals and the seals on seals and triplicate copies, all submitted in correct form to the correct places at the correct times under supervision of a local attorney specializing in all this to make it super correct.

OK, cool. Back to corruption. Which is the main point right now.

So the head of immigration gets busted for corruption, which happened to someone else just a year or so back, and he and a bunch of other people get booted out. And the whole system is in an uproar. Heads are rolling here, people. Majorly. Got serious head-rolling going on.

And this is about the time I had finally decided to make my move, to start making my move, and then it all craps out.

And this other guy, the praying one, who really does have a pretty decent blog despite that, well he says he thought they were just basically sitting there and waiting for their final approval to come through - a formality at this point - well, they were simply swept out of the system. Foof.

Big rubber stamp with a skull and crossbones on it. DENIED. Denied with prejudice.

That's it.

And he tried submitting an appeal, through his lawyer and all, but I guess the good news is that though they have made no progress so far they haven't been escorted to the airport at gunpoint. Yet.

So crap.

Central America. South America. They kinda work this way.

So I'm looking at other places now.

Does Latin America Exist?

I've been reading about a certain country south of here for around three years. I've been thinking of moving there.

Mainly, I'm cheap. Because I have to be, not having much to live on. And with less to come. And there are the other things. You know. Or maybe you don't.

For one thing, when you get to be older it becomes harder to change jobs, or to find work if you don't have it. What "older" means depends on a person's sex, geography, educational level, and field of work. And sometimes makes some sense. If physical ability is important, and a person can no longer maintain an even strain, then that's it right there.

But most work these days isn't seriously physical, so what about the rest?

Sometimes, just appearing older than one's workmates is enough. Or being in a "young" field. No matter how profoundly stupid this whole ethos is, it is. The young don't catch on because, well, they are young. When this situation hits them they are both no longer young and can't avoid it anyway.

So there's that.

And then "older" is also a matter of experience. For instance, in more and more kinds of employment these days, if you have significant experience you are considered dated. Somehow it is assumed that once you have learned one thing, you can't learn another. And since you have been doing one thing for a while, you are no longer up-to-date. That is, you have become expendable.

So there we are.

Some parts of Latin America look not bad at all. I'm ready to try now. I just have to find out how to get there.

A lot of people take a trip or two or three, and then make the transition. I don't know any of them. I also can't afford to go flying around, staying places while maintaining a residence "back here", and spending money on sightseeing and exotic experiences and hotels and eating out everywhere.

I just want to go.

Nah. Not working out. Not so far.

I mean, though I want to start the process, it doesn't look like there is any way to do it. I've tracked the reports of many others who have moved and resettled, and none of them quite knows how it happened. No two pieces of advice are the same. No one has ever, in the many reports and hundreds of comments that I've read, ever described, step by step, a definite process.

Some recommend a certain resource, usually a lawyer, but the information is always vague. Sometimes it's a name and a city. And even those who freely admit to going this route always report massive confusion, false starts, dead ends, waiting, fear, frustration, and, if they say they finally did it, can't quite find the words to say how.

So right.

I'm looking at a place everyone has heard of. Not too big. Not too famous. Not too far off. Somewhat on the fringe, in a way. Others seem to be there, and to be doing well, and all that. And I thought I had about as much information as it was possible to get. As much as I needed.

But.

When I sat down last weekend to actually lay out my plan and start doing actual things, I realized that, as has been said before about other situations, you can't get there from here.

I have to get certain documents, and send them to certain consulates, and do some shuffling and get stamps and translations and various things done to or with my documents, and I understand that. But the consulate staffs, as has been reported and repeatedly confirmed, do not speak English. At all. No one.

Also, although the consulates may have email addresses, those don't work. Telephoning may reach an unconnected number, or a voice mail system that cannot accept messages. Street addresses can sometimes be found, but they may not be addresses that accept mailed-in documents, if they are real at all.

So it's a wash.

One comment I've seen is that the one who knows the most is the last person to have completed the process. Others say that you have to go in person, and hand-carry things, and take a translator, and really be persistent.

Though this does not help if the doors are locked and the lights are out, even if you've found the right building at what should be the right time of day on the right day of the week.

Yet others recommend this attorney or that one, though not even the attorneys show up when needed. Though I guess they still charge.

One woman reported being about one step from success when the person across the counter said to her that her city of birth did not exist because it was not in the computer system. She could not change it to the city she had lived in all her life because that was not her city of birth. Adding her city of birth was also not possible because doing that was not allowed. It made no difference what her birth certificate said.

Which is why I now think that Latin America is an internet hoax. Latin America does not exist. If it did exist then it would be possible to do more than read about it. It would be possible to go there, and, obviously, no matter how many people write about it, or tell their experiences, it simply is not possible to actually connect.

Go ahead, try.

Therefore, there is no Latin America. Latin America does not exist. Which makes me wonder if I am living right on the edge of an unpublished J. R. R. Tolkien story. One that is rumored about but which cannot be read because both the place that the story is about and the book are mythical.

So What Else Is New?

It's weird here too, and I grew up with it.

I read and hear about differences between Latin America and the United States. People move away and find things they don't expect, expect things they don't find, and don't find things they do expect. And so on.

There are differences. So far, for me, these are hypothetical. I can imagine, I can guess, I can suppose. And read, and listen, and think.

But some things aren't all that different.

The United States isn't static, nor is anywhere. A case in point is that the United States that I am in now is radically different from the country I was born into, and since I've been thinking about it I realize that the United States I'm in isn't the United States I've been assuming I was in.

Many things are going on. Some get better and some get worse. And some are not that different from what people encounter in Latin America, only offset a bit. Slightly rearranged, so people do feel a difference without an actual underlying distinction.

Take a few:

• Architecture: Building construction is different. Sure. But where isn't it? In the U.S., commercial buildings are standard across the country but the rest is all different. I grew up in the northern plains, where there is winter. The first "winter" I experienced in western Washington saw temperatures dip briefly below freezing and all the pipes froze solid. People said I must be used to that. Nope. You don't lay pipes three inches below the grass where temperatures drop below zero for weeks at a time.
• Sensory stimuli: The smells are different. People eat strange meals. Sushi vs. sauerkraut, potatoes, and pork sausage. Bacon-wrapped oysters as big as a fist vs. roast beef. Eh.
• People: People definitely behave differently. Right. They're much more polite here, except while driving. And fewer of them go out each fall to shoot large mammals. I haven't had to leave the States to experience that.
• Mañana: When someone says that something will happen "mañana", they do not necessarily mean "the day that follows today." I can see that. Definitely not standard operating procedure in the U.S. But not so different either. One thing I strongly remember from my work is people telling me just to wait. Eventually one thing or another would happen. Never did, not even eventually. Granted, if you had set up a business meeting or agreed on a delivery date, generally you'd expect it. Unless you're talking to your mother, or brother, or a friend, or an incompetent. "Well, one of these days," they might say, and that would be that. You learn who and when not to push.
• Avoiding confrontation: Better to disappoint than confront. In the sense of getting wrong directions when the person you ask doesn't know, or of getting a promise when the person can't, or won't, or might not be able to deliver, or doesn't want to. This is a variation on "mañana". Catch anyone flat-footed, receive a polite lie from them, and follow through with cross-examination and see where that gets you. It's a matter of learning tact. Or of growing up you might say. No stranger owes you anything, not even directions to the next corner. Maybe it isn't always the response that is wrong but the asking. Or demanding.
• Personal space: The way that you will find people blocking the grocery store aisles, the sidewalks, and the roads. As if. What exactly is polite and sedate about U.S. society? True, generally "Americans" do not like to touch strangers, at all, ever. Except for certain situations. It depends. True?
• Noise: Barking dogs, crowing roosters, car horns, loud music. Hey. Depends on your neighborhood. No, fireworks are not a daily occurrence in most U.S. towns and cities. We have jet airplanes, trains, 10-lane freeways, motorcycles. And some of those cars with the 800-watt subwoofers too.
• Poor customer service: People prefer to be positive and tend to say things are possible when they are not. Whereas in the U.S., businesses ignore you altogether. Every try calling customer support? Ever get an answer? I had to sue the telephone company to get them to quit lying to me via their representatives in India and actually communicate. In fact my first job was with a transplanted Texan who was the most unreliable, devious, disorganized, nicest, most agreeable and polite person I have ever known. I finally had to quit because he wasn't paying me. And somehow I don't hate him, though I will always hate the phone company. Forever. And. Ever.

Possible advice:

• Always be respectful. Agreed. This is smart.
• Learn the language and use it. Agreed. A requirement.
• Be observant. Agreed. Or die trying.
• Try not to take things personally. It's business. You may happen to call it life, but it's still business.

Basic rules:

• One: Don't get mad. Don't get even. Get what you want.
• Two: No matter what happens, learn from it.

How To Become An Expat

Try harder.

So you want to try that greener grass thing. It isn't as easy as just leaving one day and announcing your arrival at Sunny Wherever.

For example, where is it?

First you have to find a place to move to.

One way is going to the library and stealing a map. Then take it home and throw darts at it. But what if you forgot to steal darts? You go to Plan B. This is getting a copy of the internet.

A copy of the internet can be expensive even in paperback, so if you get lucky and find one in a trash bin, good. Or try the recycling center before the grinder gets to it. An older copy is fine. Countries don't change all that fast anymore.

So take your copy of the internet home -- dog-eared is OK, and a few missing pages is OK too -- and flip through it. For every country that doesn't look too bad, tear out that page. After a while you have all the good ones (there aren't too many), and you get down to research.

Once you pick your country, begin loosening your ties.

A good first step is paying off your debts. Even better is tricking someone else into doing it for you.

For a good talker this is pretty easy. Just borrow money, pay the bills, and vamoose. It isn't like they'll ever find you, the way the IRS can. To be extra safe, change your name en route.

Don't plan on coming back for holiday visits either, even if Mom lets you.

Given no other option, get a job, work hard, build up a reputation, and then go for the cash drawer as soon as they trust you.

Or do it the really, really hard way and cut back on your beer budget until you've paid off all of your debts. However distasteful that is. But if you go this route maybe you aren't sharp enough to live with foreigners, so give it some thought.

Now to get "overseas", which is the kind of lingo that true expats use, you'll need transportation.

Most people use airlines, and you have to buy a round-trip ticket, even if you can't come back because of all the money you weaseled out of Big Eddy. But on the bright side, maybe you can sell the back half of it to some gullible local and at least get pocket change out of it.

Details: Make sure your passport is up to date and you have all your shots.

Save a few bucks on the medical by going to a willing veterinarian. You probably have lots of them in your home town, no matter how small it is, and they all need cash. Plus, they're trained professionals. They just don't have the fancy license that "allows " them to work on people.

This is yet one more layer of government bureaucracy that is driving you away, and learning to step around it is good practice wherever you end up.

So, once all that is done, have a good breakfast, shower up, and put on clean clothes. You want a running start.

And, before we forget, be sure to take along a few essentials.

Hard as it is to believe, firearms are frowned on in most places, even on planes, so you may have to let someone else smuggle your hogleg in. Better they rot in a 4X4 cell for 10 years than you, anyway. Right?

Generally, you want to pack as light as light as possible, and there's nothing with a better value to weight ratio than $100 bills. Make sure they're genuine.

Carry them in your underpants. Preferably taped right to your skin.

If your last job (the one where you built up a good reputation) had a lot of change in the cash drawer, or better yet, had a vault, you're probably set on this account, as long as you manage to hang onto it.

Take extra socks. You can never have too many clean socks.

Finally, say goodbye to anyone who will miss you and won't help the bounty hunters track you down, no matter how high the offer goes.

This is likely to be close relatives who will be glad to join you and help with your export business, though the Mexicans really have a lot of the options bolted down pretty tight by now. Still, there's always room for someone with seed cash, good ideas, initiative, and a few expendable relatives.

And then get on the plane and go. Remember not to make any jokes about "skyjacking" or "crashing" or any of that stuff.

Buckle your seatbelt. Appear amiable. Keep your mouth shut.

That's about it.