Sunday, February 7, 2016

Para-Whacko Tink Thank

Hi, folks.

My name is Loron Wight and I'm a blob of spiritual energy just like you. Of course these days I'm getting a little older, and a little closer every day to blob and a little farther away from the ideals of spiritual and being energetic, but let's not dwell on the obvious, or the measurable, or the provable.

Reality, you know — reality can get tedious, which is why I've formed a group. Nice word that. Group.

Did you know that group was originally an art criticism term meaning "an assemblage of figures or objects forming a harmonious whole in a painting or design"? Pretty fancy, right?

But dig a little deeper and you find that it originally had a Proto-Germanic origin. Specifically kruppaz, meaning a "round mass or lump". When you think of it that way you start getting a warm feeling all over, even running down your legs and into your socks at times.

Count on the Germans whenever you need a round mass or soft, runny lump of something. They've always got a good word handy for any possible distortion of time or space. Ever had German food? Then you know what to call it.

But so. Right now? Let's talk.

I need to fill my tank. I'm starting to run dangerously low on that spiritual energy I think, so what could be better than getting together and having our own Parapsycological Think Tank to give us all a good goose? Sounds impressive, right? I like impressive-sounding stuff. Stuff that has that ring. I like saying stuff too. Stuff and such. Stuffing. Packing it away. Which reminds me that it's time I should be getting hungry again, so I may have to duck and run. I hate missing my lunch. Which is why I usually have three a day. Got to keep the old tank full. Tank.

Another reminder about those ever-useful Germans again.

But food isn't everything. Or tanks. Almost but not quite.

There's more to life than eating and excreting and blowing things up, hard as that may be to grasp, and I do dearly love my bacteria — all those lovely intestinal flora (plus the occasional wiggly fauna specimens that show up — possibly due to my all-raw-food diet).

So what are you curious about, me? Something else?

We got your meditations, your out-of-body experiences, your reincarnation, your pyramids (whether or not you got any grain to store — wink-wink), your energy healing, your channeling, your dowsing, your spirit guides, angels, talking with animals, and that reliable old chestnut, astrology. Take your pick — I'm up for any and all of it, as long as it's part of the One Tru Way™.

And since this is Cuenca, which is in Ecuador, which is part of Latin America for crissakes it's all exotic and sorta wild westy and all that, we got plenty more to choose from, like where to buy coffee. Ever try to find ground coffee around here? Pretty scarce. I think there's a conspiracy. Let's talk about it. Maybe there's somebody with UFO evidence that would explain why I can't find any decent coffee here. I know it's out there.

Plus all kinds of other stuff.

  • How to cross the street — it's crazee here!
  • How to store your spirit energy (I can't find any damn ziplock bags — anywhere).
  • How to befriend and control flies.
  • Defeat loneliness by having more friends (some friends, at least one friend, etc.)
  • Get bread to rise and bake itself via spiritual input alone.
  • Win the lottery.
  • Get shoes repaired.
  • Levitate navel lint.
  • Turn demons into household help (save money — it's like having a free maid who works like hell).
  • Lose weight while eating.
  • Find a decent masseuse who can handle ectoplasm without tearing it for under $5.
  • Find a responsible ectoplasm walker (where, oh where).
  • Dog psychotherapists? Anywhere? (Haven't found one yet.)
  • Communicate with your gut bacteria via feces talks.

I'm up for anything. Professionals invited.

Post Script...

I myself have over 70 genuine degrees from prestigious institutions around the world. All printed on real Naugahyde.

Like (to name only a few):

  • Academy of Natural Therapies, formerly in Hawaii until closed by court order.
  • Bircham International University a.k.a. Oxford International University of Pipewrench, Ohio.
  • Eastern Caribbean University of St. Kitts, Semi-Virgin Islands.
  • Geo-Metaphysical Institute of New York, New York (New York).
  • Mahila Gram Vidyapith of Prayag, Allahabad, India &/or Pakkestan.
  • Patriot Bible University and Gun Shop of the Internet. Nan Pandle, Okieland.
  • Pebbles University of Somewhere, Nigeria.
  • Si Tanka University of Eagle Butt, New Mexico.
  • Trafalgar Distance Learning Institute of Red Deer, Alberta.
  • University of Bums on Seats. Pascagoula, Mississippi.
  • Valley University. Hilltop, Nova Scotia.
  • Wisconsin International University of Florida, Ghana.
  • Yorker International University of Italy, South Dakota.

Or contact me directly at: Da Man!

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