Saturday, November 14, 2015

At Your Risk

Maybe it's just me.

I'm a dick, granted, from way back.

I'm awkward around people (live ones).

Dead ones, imaginary ones, distant ones — OK. I'm OK. I'm not so bad with them.

And cats.

But current ones? Live humans with pulses and up-to-date library cards, and capable of moving around and doing things, and expecting me to, no. I'm not good with them.

I'm not that quick on my feet. I interact poorly, if at all, then lie awake at night days, weeks, months, years, decades later, blushing in shame and confusion.

That's who I am.

But hey — don't walk in on me. Next time I'm gonna punch you, sucker.

Here are the rules you seem to live by, you people.

  1. If a door is open even an inch, that means that you can push and enter.
  2. There is no privacy let alone security, unless the door is both shut and locked.

Double-U Tee Eff, y'all! WTF!

Maybe it's how they do things here, maybe it's the times.

Maybe I really am a dick and don't know the basic rules. Well, I know I am a dick so that's not the issue, but still, expect a punch.

Don't expect an I'm sorry story. Expect a punch. Maybe two if I feel frisky.

You knock politely and wait, I'll come over. Politely. And see what's up.

Consider that I might be staying in a room with no other ventilation, and that maybe I have the door open an inch to let in a bit of air, OK? That's why when you push against it in an attempt to charge in, you get resistance, because my 40-pound duffel bag is sitting behind it.

When you can't easily swing the door open, that means STOP. It does not mean go get your biggest friend to come and help you push, seriously. Seriously.

And when you can easily swing the door open — don't anyway or I'll punch you twice anyway.

Don't with that stuff already — don't do it. I'm limbering up my good arm for when you come by again. I just want some air for crapsake.

Behave yourself. Back off once. That's all I got to say.

Especially if you are that guy over at Hogar Cuencano who stayed in that room next to mine, and went out on the little balcony and saw my door with the curtain hanging down inside and decided to walk in and there I was naked after my shower on the other side of the room and if I'd wanted to try keeping you out, all I could have done was run across the room wiggling my wobbler at you, right.

Pisser.

You do that again, I'm a whup ya. Whup ya straight up good and solid, Mister.

You have been warned.

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