Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Stranger In A Strange Land

Home is where the spooky is.

I was askin Mike, hey Mike, where should I move to when I get out a the tunnels?

Mike used to be hooked on meth but he's OK now. He's a stand-up guy.

Life ain't what it used to be. Mike and me, we live under Las Vegas, in the tunnels. So I says to my buddy Mike, hey, where should I go when I move out?

A couple years back we had 12,000 people in the tunnels. That was before my time, truth be told, but now we're up to 14,000. Yeah, right. Fourteen friggin thousand mole people living in tunnels under Las Vegas, and I'm one a them now, but not for long.

Like there's this woman, Sali. Sali was a cashier in a hotel for 21 years. Then, bada-bing, it closes up, three years ago, like overnight. Talk to her now. What does she say? "I got lots of pain, you know? A lot of pain," says Sali.

Hey Sali, I feel your pain. I got pain too. We all got pain. Endless friggin pain down here in the tunnels.

But I want somethin better, you know what I mean? I had somethin better, back in the day, and now, hey. I want it back again.

I'm plannin on movin out, you know? That's where Mike comes in. Mike has been around. Mike's a good guy. Sure, he's had his troubles but he's clean now and he's a smart guy, so I ask Mike, hey Mike, where should I move to when I get out a the tunnels?

Well, it ain't so easy, this thing. You figure you throw a dart at a map and go there, but there's plenty a funny stuff out there. Foreign countries and all. Languages. What the fluff. So I figure I'll skip the foreign countries for now and look for a place in the good old U.S. of A.

So I ask Mike for a recommendation.

Like how about Alabama? I like the way that name sounds. It rolls around like a marble on a table top. Al Ah Bam Ah. And Mike says I gotta shave because my mustache looks fake. "It's against the law to have a fake mustache that makes people laugh in church," he says. Hey. I could end up in jail there?

No. Maybe not Alabama then.

So California. Oranges. I could go for that. But Mike says. Eating an orange in your bathtub is prohibited in California. Hey. One a my favorite things to do. Way to spoil things, California.

So now I'm totally lost.

In Delaware you can't get married on a dare. Like I want to, but all the same. Indiana says the value of pi is not 3.1415, it's 4. Hey I been to school. I know that one. I ain't stupid. Scratch Indiana then.

Minnesota won't let you paint sparrows and sell them as parakeets. New Jersey says men can't knit during fishing season. North Carolina. Hey. North Carolina, where it's illegal to sing off-key. Which leaves out guess-who?

Virginia. Tickling women is against the law. Another one a my very favorite things to do, and I find I could not do this thing there.

And a course my favorite of all, South Dakota. Where after your visit to Mount Rushmore and you are tired out and all it is against the law to fall asleep in a cheese factory.

So I guess that leaves me lookin elsewhere then. Maybe some a them foreign know...ain't so bad then.

Hey, maybe they talk funny and all. The language stuff, you know? But hey. Maybe I could handle that.

I'm a smart guy, I got enough socked away to move out a the tunnels now. Maybe I'll go someplace warm where a few bucks will buy me a bed and I can just take it easy and not worry so much about breakin the law and all.

I used to lay tiles. Maybe I could do that again. Lay tiles.

Maybe Mike will come along. He's OK. Been a great help to yours truly.

I should go ask him. That way we're both out a the tunnels. You know? Me and Mike. He's a stand-up guy.


Homeless People Live in Tunnels Under Las Vegas

Like we didn't always suspect.


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